I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He shit in the fireplace
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
