my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
