i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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