I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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