Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
