I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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