i just wanna soil my oats bro
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
