Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
