T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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