you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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