I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize