I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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