I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
