just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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