then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
