I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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