I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
