Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
