stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
