Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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