So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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