don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
