whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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