If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
