Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
