I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
