Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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