Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They are going to name an STD after you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
