Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
