I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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