At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
