I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
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