you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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