the condom got lost in my hair
what day is it and did you see me today?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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