i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
