He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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