If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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