Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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