Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
