When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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