he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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