Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
