Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
