just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
