is your mom at the bar?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
