I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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