My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
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Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize