Your face is a jimmy john
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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