two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
