It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
