i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
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Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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