you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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